My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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