sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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