I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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