Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
