chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize