It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
