ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
