I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
