my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
