Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
