why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
