Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
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