dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
