Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Mom said you looked used
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
