wrigley field is MILF paradise
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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