I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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