He uses pillows to masturbate.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
