Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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