i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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