Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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