...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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