Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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