Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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