This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
