she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
