he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
