Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
