so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
