I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
