I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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