Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
