I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
