Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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