She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
