I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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