Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
