I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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