I skipped work to stalk him.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
