Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
