i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
