I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
so let's talk penis.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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