Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
