we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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