Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
