I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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