So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
