I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
