Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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