I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
