She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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