I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
