Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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