I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
