Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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