You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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