just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
