"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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