The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Randomize
