I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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